There is a mirror inside me -- somewhere in my head, my heart, my spirit -- somewhere in there is a mirror in which I look everyday. It is how I see myself -- not the graphic t-shirt and jeans, the mid-back length hair, the spotty complexion -- the inside stuff, the way I measure my self-worth. Usually I can look in the mirror and feel okay with what I see. I try my best to be a loving, nurturing mom; a helpful, supportive, loving wife; a loyal, accepting, open friend; a passionate, vibrant, intuitive musician; a humble, open, serving daughter of my Heavenly Father. Usually I can look in the mirror and see someone I can live with -- someone I might even like.
Except for last night. Last night the mirror shattered. At 11:30PM. And I had to let someone know, right? Poor, sleeping husband. I looked in the mirror last night and saw myself in pieces -- broken, ugly, selfish, and hateful. With all those sharp shards and angles left and right, I saw myself as damaging to those around me -- especially my loved ones. And so it came out -- the self-loathing. The resentments, the jealousy, the anger -- all the uglies. Poor no-longer-sleeping husband. Dear, patient, husband. And then Sleep, merciful sleep took over after a while. And thank goodness it did...
This morning I looked in the mirror. All put back together. Decent, trying E. So tell me what that was, the mirror-shatterer. The dark-E? Satan? Hormones? Being human? The Manic of manic-depression? The Depression of manic-depression? I'm trying to know my enemy so it won't strike me down again. It's gotten me before -- made me anxious and crazy-feeling, but for much longer than just a night. So I tell myself -- this is normal for me. And I'm okay with that too. Because that's reparo for the mirror. Thank the Lord for perspective, maturity, prayer, His grace, and the Atonement. Else I'd be in pieces still...
2 comments:
Esther, I love you! I can't tell you why that happened, but I can tell you that you are not alone. For what it's worth, to me you are only the person your described in the first paragraph. Sometimes our vulnerabilities and insecurities become bigger than who we are, and it is scary. It is hard to defeat them all the time, and we sometimes crack under their pressure.
Do you watch Parenthood? This season, Kristina was having a emotionally hard moment sometime after her birth, and her husband Adam said something to her along the lines of 'I wish you could see what I see when I look at you'. That's exactly what I felt like saying to you when I read this, but with a huge hug.
I know exactly how you feel.
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